There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
