just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
