I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and she was petting her beer can
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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