his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
