There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
