It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
