Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
