Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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