I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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