GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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