I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
