life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize