Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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