so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
