Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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