if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Can i not drive my cunt home
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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