why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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