Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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