guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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