i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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