I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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