i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm having to shit out rocks
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
