I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
