Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
