the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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