I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
