i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
