im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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