his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
