I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
