fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
