What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
