Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
