Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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