I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
