You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
