Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I forget how to act sober
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
