Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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