When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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