he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
