i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
