Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize