I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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