please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
