My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
