I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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