guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
