On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
All I want is dick and wine.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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