the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
