I murdered the dance floor call the cops
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
