had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
