oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
