I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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