I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Omg I joined a choir last night...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
