my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
