you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Let's get the cat blown out
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
