I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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